Of Divorce, Sin, and Restoration
June 2nd used to be my favorite day of the year. It was the day I first got married back in 1984, 37 years ago. We were married just shy of 32 years. Imagine that? Lasting that long only to fail after so long a time. Sometimes I think that the only ones who have the right to throw stones at me are the ones who have been married for over 31 years. And, as the older ones dropped their stones first, I suspect those who passed that many years of marriage know it is only by God’s grace they have lasted as long as they have.
It’s not difficult to find people who have gotten divorced. There are so many. It used to be that divorce was uncommon and difficult to obtain. Not any more! I suspect there is a direct correlation between the frequency and ease of divorce and the decline of a civilization.
They say you should live life without regret. I’m not so sure that is realistic or possible. As I read through the Scripture, I see men and women filled with regret. The beauty of the gospel is that we have the reassurance of God’s covenant through the blood of Jesus Christ for all who repent of their sin and have faith in Him.
Don’t get wrong. My lament is not because I am not happily married to Kelly. I am happy. I realize that I am not happily married because I got divorced but despite it. God, in His infinite kindness and steadfast love, has chosen to bless me even though I don’t deserve it.
I know He is blessing me because I repented of my part in the divorce and all that led up to it. I could make excuses for my sin. I could talk about how painful it was for two parents who homeschooled their children from birth to watch them grow and leave the nest. I could go on about how my family took in and helped an elderly Aunt rather than throw her into an institution like the rest of the family wanted. I could go on about the bogus probate accusation from self-righteous relatives who cost my Aunt’s estate over $200,000 in legal fees, even though my Aunt explicitly and legally stated she approved of all that we did.
I could expound on these and more, but in the end, the truth is that we didn’t handle any of these things well. In the end, we broke our covenant together, the vows we made before God and His people. I can’t help feel ashamed for my part.
Shortly after the divorce, I had a “he came to himself” (Luke 15:17) epiphany. God opened my heart and eyes to the reality of what we did in the blink of an eye. Before that, I was hurt, bitter, and angry. All at once, I realized and understood just what had happened, what we did, and how horrible it was in the sight of God. The Bible says in Malachi 2:16 that God hates divorce. At that moment, I got a glimpse of why.
God knows my heart and the depth of my repentance. From that moment, I sought forgiveness for the wrong I committed against my ex-wife and all the people affected by our sin.
Interestingly, Solomon was wiser than Socrates and yet sinned to the degree that he did. It is one thing to disobey God; it is another to disobey knowing what you are doing. Solomon must have seen the extent of his sin and how offensive they were in the eyes of God. Yet, he did them anyway.
I know I am not as wise as Solomon, yet I knew that the divorce and all that lead up to it was sin, and I did it anyway. To make matters worse, during that time, every Sunday I consecrated the Bread and the Wine in Holy Communion, knowing full well that I was the biggest hypocrite in the congregation.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:29
For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.
In other words, if you take communion and don’t leave your sin, God will judge you.
He also says in Hebrews 13:4
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
I have learned that there are two kinds of judgment in the Bible. There is a judgment that leads to death and hell. This judgment is for those who do not repent.
The second type of judgment, while painful, leads to life and is a sign of God’s love for His sons and daughters.
My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives. Hebrews 12:5+6
The Westminster Confession (11.5) says it like this,
5. God doth continue to forgive the sins of those that are justified; (Matt. 6:12, 1 John 1:7, 9, 1 John 2:1–2) and, although they can never fall from the state of justification, (Luke 22:32, John 10:28, Heb. 10:14) yet they may, by their sins, fall under God’s fatherly displeasure, and not have the light of His countenance restored unto them, until they humble themselves, confess their sins, beg pardon, and renew their faith and repentance. (Ps. 89:31–33, Ps. 51:7–12, Ps. 32:5, Matt. 26:75, 1 Cor. 11:30, 32, Luke 1:20)
Nothing good comes from divorce. Any good that happens after divorce is only because of the grace of God, not because of the divorce itself.
The ones who were most affected by our divorce is our children and our grandchildren. As part of my repentance, I pray and fast every year on the anniversary of the divorce. On that day, I pray that somehow God will take what Satan meant for evil and use it for good in the lives of my children and children’s children.
I have personally asked their forgiveness for my part in the divorce. In one letter to them I wrote:
I want to ask your forgiveness for all we stole from you through this divorce. We have tainted birthdays, holidays, and special events. I am sorry that all your special events will be tarnished by our divorce.
Divorce is not just a sin against God. It is a sin against all of society. When a couple divorces, we weaken the most fundamental tie that binds a community together.
What mystifies me is how I agreed to something that I am 100% opposed to. It is a reminder that I am not above self-deception nor being deceived by the forces of evil. It stands as a harsh reminder of my need for God’s grace every moment of my life.
Where do I go from here? I don’t believe God wants me to live under the shadow of past sin. The blood of Jesus Christ is more significant than my regret, and to not appropriate His love and forgiveness is to remain in the realm of sin. It is pride that says, “God can never forgive me, and I cannot forgive myself.” That kind of thinking, while sounding sanctimonious, is one of the most insidious forms of sin there is.
God has washed away all my sins, including the sin of divorce. The best thing for me to do is receive that forgiveness and live my life as a thank offering to God. And so, by His grace, I shall.