Fides and The Ultimate Measuring Machine

A little boy named Fides had a curious toy that his great grandmother gave him when he was born that he called TUMM. He called it that because on the top of the toy were engraved the letters T.U.M.M. His wise old great grandmother told his mom and dad that she would tell Fides all about the toy, but only after he developed a sense of wonder.

That day finally came on his sixth birthday. He received all kinds of presents, like toys, clothes, and practical things for school, but nothing held his interest as much as TUMM. That night as he was going to bed, he had TUMM in his hands and asked his parents about the toy. 

His parents remembered his great grandmother's words, so they took him to see her the very next day. Fides loved to visit with his great grandmother and was excited to see her once again.

When they arrived at her house, they found her sick in bed. She looked older than usual and close to death. Fides was sad because he loved his great grandmother very much. She was sad too, but not because she was afraid of death, but because she would miss her great grandson until he joined her someday in heaven.

As he sat next to her on the bed, she explained to him the wonders of TUMM. She told him that T.U.M.M. stood for "The Ultimate Measuring Machine." There wasn't anything that this machine could not accurately measure. It was, she said, something of a truth detector. She noted that TUMM would make him rich and famous, but it will also bring him a lot of hardship and pain. She then explained to him all the mysteries of TUMM and how to use it. As he left, his great grandmother placed her wrinkled old hands on his head and blessed him. As she laid her head back down, the fire went out of her eyes, and she died.

For a long time, Fides wanted nothing to do with the toy because it reminded him of his great grandmother. But as he began to miss her even more, he began to play with his toy because it reminded him of her. He remembered everything she told him. Fides played with TUMM every chance he had. He grew very adept at measuring, testing measurements, and detecting when other measurements were off.

As I mentioned before, T.U.M.M. stood for "The Ultimate Measuring Machine." There wasn't anything that TUMM couldn't test and measure. At first, Fides checked all the measuring cups, rulers, thermometers, and scales in the house. With the help of TUMM, he was able to see which were faulty and which were closer to the truth. He was able to tell when food spoiled or if an appliance was ready to break. His parents appreciated Fides because now all their things were as close to perfect as can be.

It wasn't long before friends and neighbors were asking Fides to help them with their measurements as well. With the help of TUMM, the men in the factories were able to calibrate their machines. Honest merchants were able to test their scales. Even the weatherman called Fides every day to find out what the actual temperature was. Fides discovered that he could earn money using TUMM and that it was making him famous.

As Fides grew, so did his abilities and popularity. People from all over the world wanted TUMM's help. What Fides enjoyed most was helping people in a court of law. When Fides became a man, he learned to use TUMM so well that he could use it to tell when people were telling the truth. Fides traveled the whole world truth detecting. Innocent people loved Fides and TUMM, but those who wanted to hide their crime hated them.

Over time, Fides made quite a lot of enemies, not only of those convicted of crimes, but those who used to cheat, lie, and steal. Politicians especially hated Fides and TUMM. During this time, people enjoyed peace, prosperity, justice, and equity. Fides himself became one of the richest and most well-known men in the world. 

Because TUMM ruined the livelihood of many a thief, they plotted to stop it. It was impossible to trick Fides to steal or destroy TUMM, so they came up with a different way to wreck it. They figured since they couldn't beat it, they would erode people's confidence in it.

From that day forward, they began to carry out their plan. They spread rumors that TUMM was wearing out with time and usage. They gossiped that Fides was a charlatan. Every day they told a new lie about Fides and TUMM. In time, the lies began to have an affect.

Crooked politicians publicly renounced Fides and his ridiculous toy. Evil editors published fake news. University professors mocked them in their classes. Philosophy professors wrote lengthy dissertations on the impossibility of the existence of an Ultimate Measure, let alone an Ultimate Measuring Machine. They roared with laughter as they changed TUMM's name to UMM. Whenever they made fun of UMM, they shrugged their shoulders and put a stupid look on their face, and muttered, "umm."

Still, many believed in Fides and TUMM. Because of this, the evil plotters devised a plan to, once and for all destroy people's confidence. They proposed that the scientists make a series of tests to determine whether TUMM was indeed The Ultimate Measuring Machine or a hoax. 

The crooks in government gave millions of dollars in grant money to fund scientists from every discipline you could think of to discredit TUMM. To appear objective, they refused to use anything that had already been measured by TUMM lest they sullied the experiments. 

The scientists agreed with the philosophers that no Ultimate Measure existed. Because of this, they had to come up with their own set of standards, measures, and tools by which they would test TUMM.  This took a long time because the scientists could not agree on a standard among themselves since they believe none existed. In the end, each scientist had his own that he made up for himself.

Finally, the day came to test TUMM. It was a grand event. Everybody who was anyone was there, from the greatest to the least. After several speeches and fanfare, the moment of truth arrived. They called Fides to bring TUMM forward.

Individual scientists came forward one by one with their own measuring test. It was the most significant challenge Fides and TUMM ever had because each scientist had his own idea of what he thought the measurement should be. Each time TUMM displayed different measurements than what the scientist predicted. Every time this happened, the scientist boldly proclaimed that TUMM was indeed defective. How could it have different readings for every test? 

Throughout that day, scientists brought forward their own system of measurements for length, volume, density, pressure, etc. Because the scientist invented each, there was no way for TUMM to be Ultimate in anyone's eyes. By the end of the day, people's confidence in Fides and TUMM was, indeed, destroyed. The awe, trust, and admiration they once had turned to contempt and disgust. Soon the people were demanding Fides be put in prison along with his ridiculous toy. And that's just what happened. From that day forward, everyone believed Fides to be a fraud and his silly toy a fake. 

With Fides and TUMM out of the way, the crooks, criminals, and evil politicians took over the world. Death, disease, famine, violence, and injustice soon filled the land, but instead of blaming the crooks, everyone blamed Fides and his toy TUMM. It was a very long time before Fides escaped from prison with TUMM, but that’s a story for another day.